The unwelcome visitor taps softly at my door. Dread. I know the intruder all too well. “Why now? Why today?” I shudder. And then it starts—hands trembling, heart racing, shallow breathing, uncontrollable ruminating. After two solid years of focused self-discovery and reflection, I thought I had rid myself of episodic panic. But here we go again. WTF.
So, what do I do? My first instinct is to run away and escape through music, meditation, TV, and reading, but the fear, tightness, and contraction lie just beneath the surface, like lava rising in a volcano, ready to erupt.
And then I ground myself and think, “Do the opposite.”
So, I change tactics. Instead of fleeing, I turn and address the beast, “Can we sit down and talk? Ignoring you just makes you more intense. I’m ready to hear you out, to understand why you hold me in a dreadfully tight headlock, making me fight for every breath. I’m tired of fighting. You have my undivided attention.”
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock. Time slowly passes, but my anxiety remains quiet, closed off, and unresponsive. Its paralyzing grip icily pins me to the floor. Its silence is deafening. It’s like I don’t matter at all. “But, I do matter,” I remind myself.
“Please speak with me,” I beg. “I yearn to learn, to go deeper, to be informed.”
Nothing.
I sit calmly and flow with the palpitations, becoming one with the uncomfortable sensations I fear will never leave my everyday experience of the world.
“Is this an existential crisis?” I ask. “We live, we die, and no one really knows why. Maybe it would have been better to have never been born than to experience your surprise, overdrawn visits. Is it the need to control every aspect of my life, knowing nothing is really in my control?”
More thoughts interrupt—such shallow roots, torn out in the mildest of storms. I thought I was more enlightened, but was my sense of groundedness an illusion? These painful feet of mine cry out in agony, numb to the touch yet sensitive to a wisp of air. They search for a safe haven, a restorative cure, the strength and courage to hold my weight.
Back to my heart…
I think I hear a whisper. “What is it?” I cry. “Stand strong,” it murmurs. The voice evaporates before I can register its meaning. I think for a long while, and the mind attempts to derail my efforts: “If you stood up for what you believed in, you’d be ridiculed. You were ridiculed….met with scowls, beady eyes, grimaces, and mockery.”
More annoying thoughts rush in, “When God is angry, there is no hope for life on this earth, nor an afterlife without unbearable pain.”
“Hmmmmm, where did that come from?” I wonder. “How do I know this is true? Aren’t these remnants of patterns learned long ago? These are merely thoughts I’ve hung on to keep me safe, in my comfort zone, controlled by the mind.”
“Break free,” I whispered. And then I shout, “BREAK FREE!”
“Autonomy speaks to me. It resonates with my soul. Autonomy means listening to my gut and honoring my real self instead of being influenced by my mind’s admonishments, advice, moods, and energy. As an empath, I feel the energy of the world, and sometimes, everything feels weighty, overwhelming, or just too much, especially if I give without taking care of myself first. Following old patterns may feel safe, but acting without reflection comes at a hefty cost… my happiness.
I thank my anxiety for expressing itself, for opening up and keeping me out of harm’s way. I promise to listen more readily and embrace it and all other emotions (sadness, anger, grief, confusion, disappointment, shame, etc.) instead of habitually burying everything deep down, where wounds fester and refuse to heal.
My heartbeat slows, my breathing is no longer labored, and my chest expands. Ahhh, it heard me. I heard me! So many mysteries lie deep within the psyche; the more I explore, the freer I am. The journey through storms often feels impossibly painful, but once you come out the other side, reality takes on deep hues of vibrant color and excitement. You may even catch a glimpse of fun-loving unicorns and psychedelic rainbows. The view is amazingly rich!
Now, on to autonomy, self-assuredness, and inner strength to hold me upright and move forward on life’s path. Remember, in the end, it does not matter what others think. Stay true to yourself.
And take time to listen.
